For the majority of the year, I love living in the northeast section of the country. But there are times–such as this past weekend when I ended up shoveling snow four separate times, despite my weather app insisting “no, don’t worry, you’re just getting a few flurries”–when I really hate it here. Hate is a strong word, I suppose, but the snow combined with the knowledge that Scott is spending the week sunning himself in an undisclosed Caribbean paradise has me perhaps more agitated about the weather than usual. Oh, by the way, the low on Saturday in Philly is going to be 4 degrees F and it’s going to snow. Again.

As a distraction from the foul weather, I pulled together a list of CMEpalooza related reminders to share with all of you. It’s not much of a distraction, really, but it did give me something better to do than grumble about my neighbors on the corner of my block who still have not shoveled their sidewalk (I know they’re home! I saw their light on last night!).

Reminder #1: Submit a Presentation Abstract for CMEpalooza Spring. CMEpalooza Spring is coming up on April 22, and the due date for abstract submissions is on February 23 (click here for more details.) Scott and I will be wandering around the Alliance Conference next month, so feel free to check in with us if you have an idea for a presentation. If you’re talking with Scott, make sure you give him a long, inclusive description, going over each and every point in as much excruciating detail as possible. He loves that. If you’re talking with me, keep it brief and to the point, thanks.

Reminder #2: Sponsorships for CMEpalooza Spring and Fall Are Still Available
I mean, yes, they’re always available, but we still have some of the higher-level silver and gold sponsorships available, which isn’t always the case. Anyway, you can click here for more information about sponsorship opportunities.

Reminder #3: Come to My Session at the Alliance Conference
Wait, you may be asking yourself, what does this have to do with CMEpalooza? Well friend, I’ll tell you: nothing. But Scott is busy laying under a palm tree sipping his third banana daiquiri of the day (note from Scott: It’s delicious) and can’t stop me from promoting the Alliance session I am moderating, A Method to Our Madness: The Strategy Behind Grant Review, on Feb. 18 at 9:15 am in Regency 6. Mark it in your calendar now. Don’t come because I am moderating, but come because of the stellar panel who will be sharing their insights. Many are saying it will be the best session of the conference (no one is saying that, but you should still come.)

Reminder #4: Submit Your Questions for the February Edition of Ask Us Anything
You got questions? We got answers. Sometimes. Sometimes we don’t got answers so we ask our friends who do got answers or got answers better than our answers. But most of the time we got answers. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you can read the January edition of Ask Us Anything here. If you do know what I’m talking about, then you can submit your Ask Us Anything questions here.

Reminder #5: The Next Installment of The Return of the CMEslinger Comes Out Friday
As reliable as your daily newspaper arriving at your doorstep in the morning (for the three of you out there who still receive a physical daily newspaper), part 3 of The Return of the CMEslinger serial will be out first thing Friday morning. It’s Scott’s turn to write, so I haven’t seen it, yet, but if it involves the CMEslinger shoveling snow, I am going to be really annoyed (note from Scott: Get me rewrite! Now!).

If you missed Part 1 of the Return of the CMEslinger saga, you can click here to read it.

Part 2 (Derek)

The CMEslinger picked up his phone. And heard that unmistakably raspy voice on the other end.

“We’ve got a problem.”

“No, we don’t,” mumbled the CMEslinger and hung up the phone, burying his head under a mound of pillows. Unfortunately, like his sins, the ring of his phone will always find him out, no matter how many feather down pillows he tried to hide under. Not bothering to escape his entombment, he blindly sought out the ceaselessly ringing phone with his right hand until he finally located where he had tossed it on his nightstand, atop his dogeared copy of McGowan’s #SocialQI.

“Leave me alone,” the CMEslinger groaned into the phone.

“Boo hoo,” smirked the man in black. “What is going on there? Are you in a cave or something? I can barely hear you.”

The CMEslinger freed his head from its pillowed sarcophagus and rolled over onto his back.

“What?” he croaked out groggily. “What do you want? What time is it? Why are you calling me? I haven’t heard from you since I beat your as-, er, butt in Vegas.”

“Whoa,” the man in black exclaimed. “Now that I can hear you, you sound even worse. Don’t tell me you’re back on the pickletinis, again? I told you years ago that that pickle juice will give you an ungodly hangover. You never did listen to me.”

The CMEslinger let out a long sigh and struggled up into a sitting position.

“Can we not call them that—pickletinis? I like dirty martinis with a little dill brine, that’s all. Anyway, why am I talking about this…what do you want? I don’t hear or see hide or hair from you for a year and suddenly you’re calling me at some unholy time in the morning. I’ve got a splitting headache, my mouth feels like I ate a wool cardigan, and I need coffee so bad I’d even drink one from a Keurig. You have 3 seconds to start talking or I’m hanging up again. One…two…thr-“

“TAXIE is going to lose their accreditation!” the man in black blurted into the phone.

The CMEslinger’s jaw dropped open as he stared at his phone for several moments.

“Hold on, that’s not possible. Say that again.”

The man in black growled, “TAXIE, The Academy for eXcellence In Education, the company that gave two losers like you and me a career, the company where we learned at the feet of Phinneas, is in danger of losing their accreditation. If they do, that’s it. They are finished. Kaput. Finito.”

The CMEslinger was now fully awake, sitting at the end of the bed, feet flat on the plush bedroom carpet.

“OK, fine, but that still doesn’t make any sense. I know Phinneas is gone, but Marge is there. Marge, the Queen of Reaccreditation. Marge, who could do a reaccreditation blindfolded and with her hands tied behind her back and still get commendation. Marge, who the ACCME has on speed dial because they call her so often for consultations. How could TAXIE possibly be in danger of losing their accreditation?”

“Because, my pickletini swilling friend, Marge is missing. And the reaccreditation files are due Friday.”

The CMEslinger shot to his feet.

“Marge is missing?! You should have said that from the beginning, you monochrome baboon! We’ve got a problem!”

For the sake of Phinneas and Marge, the man in black bit his tongue and counted slowly to five in his head.

“Yes,” he said through gritted teeth. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Now pull yourself together, put on some decent clothes, and get over here so we can figure out what to do. I’m across the street at Café Gilead. I’ll buy you a decent cup of coffee if you hurry.”

“I’ll be there in five,” snapped the CMEslinger and reached for the faded Wranglers hanging on the bedpost.

Some of you who have been reading the blog for a while now may have noticed that I enjoy making lists, particularly “Top 5” lists of things I do or don’t like. This has been a lifetime passion of mine, even as a kid. I can’t tell you how excited a young Derek was to bring home a brand-new copy of The Baseball Book of Lists from Browseabout Books in Rehoboth Beach, DE, in 1983 and spend the entire day poring over its contents.

What 10-year-old wouldn’t be mesmerized by lists such as “Rod Carew’s 10 Toughest Pitchers to Hit” and “William Shakespeare’s 15 Best Baseball Quotes” and “Morganna the Kissing Bandit’s 5 Best Kissers?” (side note: No, I am not making that up. Morganna the Kissing Bandit was a real person who would travel around to various baseball parks to sneak out onto the field and kiss unsuspecting players. The 70s and 80s were wild, man.)

For a number of years, around this time of year I would put together my Top 5 Best Holiday Songs list, which usually consisted of some combination of Springsteen’s Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Wham!’s Last Christmas (there will be no Last Christmas slander on this website), and The Waitresses Christmas Wrapping. I stopped making this list about five years ago when I had the sudden epiphany that the best holiday song was, of course, Nat King Cole’s The Christmas Song, and everything else was a distant second place. This remains correct. Nothing has happened to change my mind since.  You may not want to admit it, but you know I’m right.

Much more fun is making a list of the Top 5 Worst Holiday Songs. It feels a little mean spirited to call any of these songs “worst” (though they deserve it), so I’m updating the title to the Top 5 Holiday Songs That Make Me Change the Station or Skip Ahead When They Come On. It’s a bit long, but I think effectively communicates the purpose of the list. All of these songs are very popular and have probably made the writers and performers a ton of money, so I don’t feel bad critiquing them. So, without further ado, here are the Top 5 Holiday Songs That Make Me Change the Station or Skip Ahead When They Come On:

5. Do They Know It’s Christmas? — Band Aid. The song itself is not too bad, maybe even kind of catchy. It’s on this list entirely because of the line Bono sings midway through, “”Well tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you!” Yeesh. Condescending and tone deaf. Deserves a permanent spot on this list.

4. Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time — Paul McCartney. Awful from the very first synthesized note. The worst earworm you can imagine. It should probably be #1 on this list, but I can’t do that to a Beatle.

3. Dominick the Donkey — Lou Monte. Holy crap is this song annoying. Yet, somehow, it is not the most annoying song on the list because song #2 exists.

2. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas — Gayla Peevey. If nails scratching a chalkboard could be made into a holiday song, it would be this. A weird song made even less tolerable by the annoying voice singing it.

1. The Christmas Shoes — NewSong. Mawkish, self-congratulatory, poverty porn schlock. Other than that, it’s not bad.

Oh, I also updated the CMEpalooza Archive with all the sessions from CMEpalooza Fall 2025. Now you can spend your holiday break enjoying all your favorite CMEpalooza videos. You’re welcome!